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School for homelessness? That’d teach people!

August 19, 2014


The strike by British Columbia teachers which began on June 17 is now in it’s ninth week and the new school year is only two weeks away.

If classes do not resume on time in September and if people have more money than um, grey matter, then it’s quite possible that the Fairview Tertiary School of Hard Knocks may open for business with a curriculum specially tailored for the would be street person.

School’s out for summer. School’s out forever!

The school is by homeless people, for homeless people.

It’s founded on the simple premise that a dysfunctional education system can only mean more homeless people down the road.

And like they say, “see a need, fill a need”.

If there’s one thing experienced homeless people like to do it’s tell new homeless people how they should do things.

General courses

  • So now you’re homeless. Get over it.
  • Picking out your first shopping cart: wheels versus capacity.
  • Choosing a “street name” that really captures your essence.
  • How to sit anywhere like you own it.
  • How to “wait for someone” rather than loiter.
  • How to pick a sleeping spot based on your horoscope.
  • Dressing down and how much “sympathy money” shaving costs you.
  • Bottles, merch’ or metal: binning breakdown
  • Constructing and telling a convincing tale of woe.
  • How to eat “out” every night.
  • How to dress in women’s clothes (cuz rhat’s all you find) and not look “gay”.

Winter survival skills

  • Rain gear: garbage bags that get the job done and look good.
  • bagging your feet: Ziploc or carrier bags?
  • How to calculate how many days you’ll be soaking wet in February.
  • Drying your stuff: broadsheet versus tabloid newsprint.
  • Trench foot — it’s not just for foot soldiers anymore!
  • Sleeping in a cardboard dumpster versus a shelter (dumpster is cleaner, safer and emptied only once or twice a week)

Guest lectures and workshops

  • “Lemon juice is not a beverage”: the refundable container system explained.
  • How to coordinate your street drugs and your wardrobe.
  • The difference between MSP and MRSA.
  • Returning or selling the smartphone you found — a cost/benefit analysis.
  • Writer’s workshop: panhandling signs that open wallets
  • How to pre-spend a shopping cart full of nickel glass that only totals five dollars.
  • How to cook a turkey using cardboard, a potato chip bag and reading glasses!

Pricing is tentatively set at $40-per-day. scheduling, class availability and locations to be announced.

The Fairview Tertiary School of Hard Knocks is a private school designed to earn beer money for its instructors and is in no way affiliated with the British Columbia education system. As if!

  1. Slowcrow permalink

    Perfect!! Another CLASSIC Sqwabb Sqwibble ! You’ve hit more than a few nails on the head…… IMHO should be required reading for some folks i can think of, fer sure. More detailed commentary may be forth-coming (???) Still chuckling too hard……. 😐


    • Gosh thanks! “Sqwibble!”.. that’s really very good!

      Aren’t my commenters clever? Better than some other anonymous commenters frequenting a certain blog that shall go nameless that reblogs my posts — Grr!


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